Live Free. Live Happy.

A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:

Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

Men Are Hard To Please …….VERY VERY TRUE

The problems with GUYS:
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't , he says u are PROUD .
If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't , he says u are from VILLAGE .
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET , he says u have no B RAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE ;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT .
If u don't L ove him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Lovehim! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME ;

Nine words women use...

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Got this as a forward from someone ...

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom,
as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would
have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still
had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do
women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better

When a Girl Cries ------------ The World "Consoles" her
But when a boy cries ---------- Come on man don't be A "Girl"

If A Girl slaps a Boy ----------- Definitely the Boy would have "done something"
If Boy Slaps a girl -------------- Rascal doesn't know how to "Respect Ladies"

If a Girl is talking to Boys ----- She is "Very Friendly"
If a Boy talks to a Girl ---------- He is "flirting"

If a Girl meets with accident -------------------- Then its "mistake of others"
If a Boy meets with same accident ------------ Bloody you "don't know how to Drive"

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. Thegarage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

This is from an actual trial in the UK :

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account
of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She
moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing..................

She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted
in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching
dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a
tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.