Live Free. Live Happy.

Author: rahul

  • Fried Eggs

    Fried Eggs

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some
    more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!”
    Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh, my GOD! WHERE are
    we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful!! CAREFUL!
    I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
    Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
    Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
    Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

    The wife turned and stared at him. “What is wrong with you?
    You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
    The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it
    feels like when I’m driving.”

  • Some wonderful sayings

    Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
    Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
    THAT’S relativity.
    – Albert Einstein

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    The brain is a wonderful organ.
    It starts working the moment you get up in the morning
    and does not stop until you get into the office.
    – Robert Frost

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate
    it.
    – Franklin P. Jones

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    We must believe in luck.
    For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
    – Jean Cocturan

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
    everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
    – Jerry Seinfeld

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    It matters not whether you win or lose;
    what matters is whether I win or lose.
    – Darrin Weinberg

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    Life is pleasant.
    Death is peaceful.
    It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    Help a man when he is in trouble and
    he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    It is not exactly cheating,
    I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised.
    (no offense ladies!!)

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, didn’t know where to shop.

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does
    milk.

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=
    Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

    +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
    =+=

  • Third Monkey

    3 monkeys escaped from the zoo….

    One was caught watching TV….

    Another playing football…

    and the third one……..

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    No, its not you…

    Why do you always think you are a monkey??

    The third one is still missing…

  • Triple Filter

    In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to be held in high esteem
    because of his knowledge.
    One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, ‘Do you
    know what I just heard about your friend?’
    ‘Hold on a minute,’ Socrates replied. ‘Before telling me anything I’d
    like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.
    ‘Triple filter?’
    ‘That’s right,’ Socrates continued.
    ‘Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to
    take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. That’s why I call
    it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth.
    Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?’
    ‘No,’ the man said, ‘actually I just heard about it and…’
    ‘All right,’ said Socrates.
    ‘So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the
    second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell
    me about my friend something good?’
    ‘No, on the contrary…’
    ‘So,’ Socrates continued, ‘you want to tell me something bad about
    him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test
    though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is
    what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?’
    ‘No, not really.’
    ‘Well’, concluded Socrates, ‘if what you want to tell me is neither
    true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?’
    This is why Socrates was a great philosopher & held in such high esteem.
    Friends, use this triple filter each time you hear loose talk about
    any of your friends. We teach little by what we say; we teach more by
    what we do; we teach most by what we are ….

  • 2% or 98%

    This is really interesting and amusing. Please try it.

    2% or 98%

    This is strange…can you figure it out?

    Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

    Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

    * Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
    * There’s no trick or surprise.
    * Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time
    and as quickly as you can!
    * Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of
    them … really.

    * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss
    something.)

    Think of a number from 1 to 10

    Multiply that number by 9

    If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together

    Now subtract 5

    Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended
    up with
    (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)

    Think of a country that starts with that letter.

    Remember the last letter of the name of that country.

    Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter.

    Remember the last letter in the name of that animal.

    Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter.

    Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?

    I told you this was FREAKY!!

    If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are
    different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer
    with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Forward it to
    people you know so they can find out if they are usual or unusual!

  • Donate Blood

    The below article was written by my manager for an internal
    newsletter. Hope you like this article..

    Healing Touch
    –Praveen Gupta

    “First break all the rules”, “Challenge the stereotypes”, “Live for
    the moment”, “Resolutions are for lesser mortals”, “What the hell” are
    some of the thoughts that reverberate my mind towards the end of every
    year. Even though I guess this is just another lame attempt at
    emphasizing my individuality, but my heart swells with immense pride
    at the thought of me being weird. After all the fad of being different
    or unusual has its own charm for my generation. This year too the
    story was the same till yesterday i.e. 28 December 2004 afternoon.

    It was a routine start to the day. While having breakfast, I got a
    call from one of my friend. He asked me to suggest a few blood donors
    for his ailing father. Since I had the same blood group I volunteered
    to donate and was at a blood bank near my office after having a light
    lunch. Once the sample was tested, I was made to lie down on a bed. A
    gentleman with medium built and unassuming demeanor joined. He felt my
    pulse and asked if this was my first time. Not used to let go any
    opportunity to show off, I replied with a touch of arrogance, “No,
    this is my FIFTH time”. I expected him to get impressed but much to my
    dismay, he showed no signs of it. I thought let me make one more
    attempt and I said with added vigor, ” Last time I donated six months
    back. I am not worried but is the interval big enough for a NORMAL
    human being?” He pointed towards his two assistants and replied
    reassuringly, “All of us donate at least five times in a year.” I
    should have kept quite after listening to that but unfortunately
    graceful submission was the last thing in my mind. I retorted, ” Even
    I am willing to do that but I donate whenever there is a necessity. My
    SOFTWARE job keeps me busy hence I find it a little inconvenient to go
    on my own.” With a saintly smile, he replied, ” Every day thousands of
    operations are deferred and hundreds are rendered unsuccessful, some
    even resulting in death, due to lack of blood ready for transfusion.
    This blood bank is five minutes walk from your office or home and the
    whole process would not take more than half an hour.” Even though
    blood was taken out of my veins, my face turned crimson. Humiliation
    is an understatement to describe the way I felt. The fact that he
    seemed to have said all this without any intention to hurt me
    compounded my misery.

    I left (read fled) the blood bank as soon as they allowed me to. The
    harder I tried to concentrate on my work; mightier was the force with
    which, whatever the paramedic said kept coming to me. It was nothing
    less than seven-course meal for thought. As I reflected I realized, it
    made lot of sense. More often than not relief does not have a desired
    effect, as we tend to wait for the disaster to happen and then gear
    up. Let us consider the case of devastating tsunami. Agreed that no
    one had foreseen such a large-scale disaster, but still thousands of
    lives could have been saved if we had better relief management system
    in place; if aid agencies already had some funds ready to be used in
    the case of such an eventuality. In the midst of these disturbing
    thoughts, I asked myself, “Who should be blamed? What can I do? Where
    should I begin?” I got an answer that was unequivocal. I resolved to
    voluntarily donate blood every three months. Big Deal! Why should I
    share this with you? Doesn’t this look like an attempt at my own
    beatification? May be yes. I accept the brickbats with all humility
    but the reason I am sharing this with you is to fulfil the other and
    more significant part of my resolution i.e. encourage others to donate
    blood. Why should you do it? Just because I am asking you to. NO.
    Please read on?

    The biggest misconception that stops one from donating blood is that
    it will render the donor weak. Far from truth. After donating blood,
    you replace these red blood cells within 3 to 4 weeks. It takes eight
    weeks to restore the iron lost after donating. Anyone who is in good
    health, is at least 17 years old, and weighs at least 110 pounds may
    donate blood every 56 days. One school of thought claims that donating
    blood activates bone marrow and infuses fresh blood in the body and
    thus actually improving health of the donor. Moreover, this is the
    most special way in which you can touch anyone’s life. A healing touch
    that creates a life long bond. The happiness I get, once I see my
    friend’s mother (for whom I have donated blood twice) leading a
    healthier life, is transcendental. I am feeling a supreme sense of
    fulfillment after knowing that my friend’s father has been discharged.
    But still in a way the motive behind the blood donation done for
    relatives and acquaintances is not entirely unselfish. The real
    challenge lies in performing voluntary blood donation, which will
    promptly help the most needy, whom you may never come across. Remember
    the greatest act of kindness is performed incognito. Furthermore, the
    resolve to perform voluntary blood donation would encourage you to
    maintain a healthy, sober and ‘safe’ lifestyle. Lastly, if you donate
    blood you are entitled to get a chilled-on-the-house Frooti. Top that!

    Do all the good you can
    By all the means you can
    In all the ways you can
    At all the times you can
    To all the people you can
    As long as ever you can.
    – Anonymous.

    References:

    http://www.indianblooddonors.com/index.asp
    http://www.bloodcenters.org/aboutblood/bloodfacts.html

  • Newton Laws Refined

    Law 1 .Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or
    forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.

    Law 2 . The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the
    payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when
    deadline force is applied.

    Law 3 . For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite
    Software Implementation.

    Bonus 🙂 Law 4.
    Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It
    can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in
    the software always remains constant.

  • Cyber Age Movie Story

    Cyber Age Movie Story

    Hero is a software engineer. He does not have a life worth speaking
    of. He spends eighteen hours a day in the office working and browsing
    the net.

    Heroine is a software engineer in the same company. She does not have
    a life either. She spends eight hours in front of her PC, thirteen
    hours in front of the TV and the remaining, sleeping.

    One day, Hero meets Heroine in a staff meeting. They argue endlessly
    about the insanity of Microsoft applications.. especially Outlook
    2003.

    Couple of such fights later, Heroine is found drinking coffee with
    Hero in Office canteen.

    “What is life?” asks the Hero looking at the vacuum right above her
    head.
    “I’ve been wondering too.” sighs the heroine.
    “Why are we fighting over Outlook 2003?” Hero drinks his black coffee.
    “And why are we not talking about Lotus NOtes” Heroine sips her Latte.

    Hero shakes his head. “It’s not about software products. It is about
    life. I guess life is much bigger than OUtlook 2003.”

    Heroine nods. “I think it is. I am not sure though. Do you know that
    Microsoft has come up with a fix to that bug you’ve been using to
    prove Outlook is a worthless piece of garbage?”

    “Heroine,” Hero is now determined, “From this moment onwards, I am not
    discussing anything remotely related to software.”

    “Fine Hero,” says Heroine, “Good bye then.”

    Hero then returns all the Sybase manuals to the library and rents out
    “how to live a life?”

    Heroine meanwhile gets into an altercation with the villain during a
    conversation on Sharepoint server. Villain vows to format the hard
    disk of the heroine. Heroine takes her PC and runs away from the
    cubicle trying to escape from the villain’s evil intentions. Since it
    is night shift, no one comes to her rescue.

    Hero, who has been reading “how to live a life” very seriously,
    suddenly finds out that he loves the heroine as much as he used to
    love Tetris.

    So hero messages Heroine on Yahoo Instant messenger. But there is no
    reply. Hero does not understand it. He knows that the heroine is
    supposed to be in night shift. What is she doing in Night shift if not
    on Yahoo Instant Messenger? As far as he know that is what people are
    supposed to do in night shift.

    Hero senses trouble. He runs barefooted on the Information
    Superhighway and reaches office just in time to see the villain snatch
    the PC out of heroine’s hands and type the command “Format C:\”. When
    his fingers get to the “Enter” key, hero delivers the killer punch on
    villain’s face. Villain is thrown back. But in the process he manages
    to press the Enter key…

    The world comes to a standstill. The sky roars. The Rain pours.
    Heroine breaks down. Villain is on cloud nine. But our Hero isn’t sad.
    He is smiling. Villain cannot understand. Hero then says, “Villain,
    You should learn DOS properly. Your grave mistake…”. He shows the
    monitor to Villain. The DOS command prompt says “Are you sure?”. It is
    waiting for a “Y” to commence the formatting operation. Hero then
    simply presses “N”.

    Villain cries in frustration “Nooooooo” and charges like a bull. Then
    follows a lengthy fight. Heroine meanwhile calls the police and they
    come right after hero beats the villain to pulp. Without asking any
    questions, the police understand who is hero and who is villain and
    take him into custody. Heroine, tears in her eyes, takes her PC,
    switches it on and jumps with joy when she finds her favorite Calvin
    and Hobbes collection in tact in her C drive.

    “You saved my data” she exclaims.
    “No, you saved it yourself.” hero says.
    “No.. Jesus saves. I don’t” she cries.
    “Nothing happened na.” Hero consoles.

    “Let us get married” heroine sheds some more tears, “I want someone by
    my side to protect the Calvin and Hobbes collection on my PC”.
    “I love you Heroine” says the hero.
    “I love you Hero” says the heroine.

    “So you agree that Outlook 2003 is a bad product”.
    “No I don’t. Why not we talk about Lotus nOtes?”

    The End.

  • Funniest Matrimonial Ads

    FISHERMAN
    Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish.
    Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

    SALESMAN
    Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine
    article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor’s around is
    now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has
    own house, car and successful career!

    ECONOMIST
    I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are
    high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a
    burden upon the national interest.

    MATHEMATICIAN
    Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and
    understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my
    family unit.

    IT CONSULTANT
    Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of
    my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the
    injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency.
    Compatibility could be an issue.

    BUSINESS MAN
    Wife wanted for company.

    POLITICIAN
    I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to
    harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and
    short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our
    lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social
    responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society……………..
    (etc etc and never getting to the point)

    CAR DEALER
    Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in
    excellent working condition.

    FARMER
    Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

    LAWYER
    I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the
    post of wife after marriage. The person whom I’m looking for should be
    strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to
    support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to
    surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any
    objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in
    limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event
    of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

    PILOT
    Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed
    applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her
    feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul.
    And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

    BANKER
    Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

    SHAAYAR
    Burri muddat keh baad eik arazoo jaagi hai, Key hum bee shaadi shooda
    ho jaayeh, Kya bahaana shaadi karaney ka…………… joh kurrey
    sarey sarey, Yeah mai butaatah hoon ……… Kyoon key yaroo ub khud
    ghur keh kaam hotah nahee sarey sarey.

    ACCOUNTANT
    Required a girl – 5’8′ & 36′ 24′ 36′ with a good head for figures. She
    must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature
    should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible.
    She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her
    family.

    SHIRABI
    Wanted a girl. Girl’s father should preferably have a drinks factory.
    I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round.
    Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can
    carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks
    for trial. Sample should be ample.

    MINICAB DRIVER
    Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I’m calling from
    base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not
    necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.

    BEGGAR
    Allah kay naam peh koi eik biwi dey dey, Doosrey kee nahi to upni hee
    dey dey, Allah terah bullah kurrey, Tujhey eik key balley doh dey dey,
    Hillery hogi toh Monika bhi dey dey!

    BUILDER
    Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be
    homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

    DOCTOR
    I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if
    you feel the need for a second opinion then it’s fine by me.

    ARMY COMMANDO
    My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful
    applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares
    wins. Camouflage provided.

    RACE CAR DRIVER
    A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able
    to keep pace!

    ASTRONAUT
    I’m searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to
    share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!

  • Understanding Engineers

    Understanding Engineers – Take One

    To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
    pessimist, the glass Is half empty.
    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
    needs to be.

    Understanding Engineers – Take Two

    An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
    called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a
    beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in
    his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back
    into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The
    engineer took the
    frog out of his pocket,smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a
    princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the
    engineer took the
    frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
    pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a
    beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do
    anything you want.
    Why won’t you kiss me?”

    The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer.I
    don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking
    frog, now that’s cool.”

    Understanding Engineers – Take Three

    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
    Mechanical Engineers build weapons and
    Civil Engineers build targets.

    Understanding Engineers – Take Four

    An architect, an artist and an engineer were
    discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
    The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
    foundation for an enduring relationship.
    The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion
    and mystery he found there.
    The engineer said, “I like both.”
    ” Both? ”
    “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
    each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
    to the lab and get some work done.”

    Understanding Engineers – Take Five

    Two engineering students were walking across campus
    when one said,”Where did you get such a great bike?”

    The second engineer replied,”Well, I was walking along yesterday
    minding my own business when a beautifulwoman rode up on this bike.
    She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
    “Take what you want.”
    “The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good
    choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”