Author: rahul

Lesson Number 1:
—————-

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and
do nothing all day long?

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” so, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Learning:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

**************************************************************************

Lesson Number 2:
—————-

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
tree.

Management Learning:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

**************************************************************************

Lesson Number 3:
—————-

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize
how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy,
and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Learning:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

**************************************************************************

Lesson Number 4:
—————-

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along,
they passed some people who remarked “it was a shame the old man was
walking and the boy was riding”.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed
positions.

Later, they passed som e people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes
that little boy walk.”

They decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them
by saying “how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey”.

The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the
donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.

Management Learning:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

**************************************************************************

Lesson Number 5:
—————-

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were
travelling in an autorickshaw.

They met with an accident and all three of them died. Yama was waiting for
this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already
decided that he should be sent to HELL.

Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this
discrimination is being made.

All the three of them had served the public.

Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, et c. Then why
the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation
before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre
conceived notions.

Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an
English test.

PVNR is asked to spell “INDIA” and he does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell “ENGLAND” and he too passes.

It is Laloo’s turn and he is asked to spell “CZECHOSLOVAKIA”.

Laloo protests that he doesn’t know English. He says this is not fair and
that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false
intent.

Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another
chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide
an equal platform for all three).

PVNR is asked to write “KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW”. He writes it easily and
passes.

Advani is asked to write “BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN”. He too passes. Laloo is
asked to write “BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR…..”Tough one. He fails again. Laloo
is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren’t), he now
requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history.

Yama says ‘OK’, but this would be the last chance and that he would not
take any more tests.

PVNR is asked: “When did India get Independence?”. He replied “1947” and
passed.

Advani is asked “How many people died during the independence struggle?”.
He gets nervous.

Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It’s Laloo’s turn now. Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each
of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.

Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Management Lesson:
“IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE
IS NO ESCAPE”

You know you’re living in 2004, when…
1. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friendsis that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “0” to get an outside line.

8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.

11. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

12. AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE…

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your “friends”.

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a No.9.

18. And now you are laughing at yourself!

Finally, you fwd this to your friends…

I T – Deewar connection :

Conversation between an “IT guy” and “Daily Wage Construction Worker”

IT guy – Mere pass paisa hai….
Mere pass Daulat hai….
Bank Balance hai…
IT Sector ka naam hai….
Stock Options hai…..
Tere paas kya hai???

Daily Wage Construction Worker – (Softly) Mere paas kaam hai….!!!

Ever wondered how a HR Manager could write a love letter to his girl friend.

To,

Juliet

Sub: Offer of love!

Ref: Meeting in coffee shop!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am pleased to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1400 hrs, would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

HR Manager

(on behalf of )

List of some “funny” responses from Linux when you mis-enter “appropriate”

$ cat “food in cans”

cat: can’t open food in cans

$ nice man woman

No manual entry for woman.

$ rm God

rm: God nonexistent

$ ar t God

ar: God does not exist

$ ar r God

ar: creating God

$ make love

Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

$ sleep early today

bad character

$ got a light?

No match.

$ man: why did you get a divorce?

man:: Too many arguments.

$ !:say, what is saccharine?

Bad substitute.

$ drink bottle: cannot open

opener: not found

People are advised not to spend too much time sitting before computer
system because the following things may happen in their future.

1. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

2. When counting objects, 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D..

3. At the superstore, you check to see if a kilogram is 1024 grams, a
litre is 1024 mls.

4. When you dream, you are going to dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

5. When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that damn machine and come
to sleep, then I am going to divorce you!”, you are going to scream at her
for omitting the “else” clause.

6. You try to sleep, and think : sleep(8 * 60 * 60); /* sleep for 8 hours */

7. When you are reading a book, you would look for the scroll bar to get
to the next page.

8. If you want to call somebody you pick up the phone and start dialling
an IP number…

9. You are going to look for an icon to double-click, to open your
bedroom window.

10. When you go to balance your check book, you would discover that
you’ll be doing the math in octal.

11.You would look for a trash can icon to throw garbage.

12.When you get in the elevator you would double-click the button for the
floor you want to go.

Grab a coffee and read this, it will put some perspective back into your
day…

An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft thinking his
best chance was as a janitor.

The employment manager arranged for him to take an aptitude test per the
company guide line: (Section XYZ: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager said, “You will be employed at minimum wage,
$5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you
information and authorization to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the man protested that he had neither a computer nor an
e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means
that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be
employed, certainly not at Microsoft!

Stunned, the man left. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in
his wallet, he decided to buy a 25 lb box of tomatoes at the
supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sold all the tomatoes
individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more
that day, he ended up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawned on him that he could quite easily make a living
selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he
multiplied his profits quickly. After a short time he acquired a cart to
transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, and acquired his inventory
wholesale only to have to trade it in again on pick-up truck to support
his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he was the owner of a fleet of pick-up
trucks and managed a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all
selling tomatoes in various communities.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decided to buy some
life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picked an
insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the detailed
conversation, the insurance agent asked him for his e-mail address in
order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replied that he had no e-mail, the adviser is stunned,
“What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass
such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine
where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from
the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the wealthy tomato dealer replied, “Why, of
course! I would be $5.15 an hour a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a
millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to
becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to
the cleaners by Microsoft.

CALL CENTRE JOBS: PEOPLE WONDER WHY THEY R PAID SO MUCH……FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK

1). Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer “No.”
Tech Support:: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

2) Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message.”
Tech Support:: “Did you install the update?”
Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

3).Customer:: “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.”
Tech Support:: “Tell me what you’ve done.”
Customer: “I typed ‘A:SETUP’.”
Tech Support:: “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.”
Customer:: “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.”
Tech Support:: “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”
Customer:: “What?”
Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?”
Customer: “No…”

4).Customer:: “Do I need a computer to use your software?”
Tech Support:: ?!%#$

5).Tech Support:: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, canyou
see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”

6) Tech Support:: “What type of computer do you have?”
Customer:: “A white one.”

7). Tech Support:: “Type ‘A:’ at the prompt.”
Customer:: “How do you spell that?”

8). Tech Support: “What’s on your screen right now?”
Customer: “A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store.”

9). Tech Support:: “What operating system are you running?”
Customer: “Pentium.”

10). Customer: “My computer’s telling me I performed an illegal abortion.”

11).Customer: “I have Microsoft Exploder.”

12).Customer: “How do I print my voicemail?”

13). Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
Tech Support: “What does it say?”
Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

14). Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24
hours.”
Customer: “Is that Eastern time?”

15). Tech Support:: “What does the screen say now?”
Customer: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support:: “Well?”
Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his
computer is faulty.
Tech: What’s the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You’ll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an
undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Letme know how it goes.

10 minutes later.
User: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.