Author: rahul

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail…

– Hello To Viewvers My Name is Somesha , I am single i dont have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart… when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha ~*~

i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

(Homework?)

Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you

(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. She should be educated.

(ain’t it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on …….. hold my hand forever !!!

(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow i amlooking onegirlshe caremeandloveme lot lot lot

(I don’t know why but this is one of my favorites)

My wife should be as ‘Parwati’ as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT……

(Ok I haven’t seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain’t he?)

i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast

(by not wearing her jeans? ahem…)

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.

(all of us are loughing)

whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is toolike this she would bde called the lady of the lamp

(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok

(I am again clueless but I liked the use of “ok”. The person is suffering from “Ok-syndrome”)

HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK

(the “ok syndrome” again)

iam pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred

(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married ‘completely’?)

iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.

(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(height of desperation! J )

Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she’s skin colour ‘normal’not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam ”AEKLAUTA”. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.

(uttama purushan)

iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.

(No comments)

I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON’T HAVE ANY HABIT.

(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good’. i expect the good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted …

(but credit cards not accepted..???)

my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service

(Zebra..???)

i’m looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.

(Now that criterion is a must, isn’t it?)

to be married on jan-2005. working woman perferable

(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)

i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the mahalakshmi.

(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)

ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.

(Any takers again?)

One morning at a doctors surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him” OK, what happened to your back?”

The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.

I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that’s how I strained my back”

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said “My previous patient was looked badly, but you look terrible.

What the hell happened to you?”

He replied, “You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won’t believe it but I was hit by a fridge.”

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, “What the hell happened to youuuuuu…..?”

“Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor”

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

The teacher asked Sam who had signed America’s Declaration of Independence.

“I don’t know and I don’t care,” said the boy rudely.

Later the teacher called both the student and his father to his office and explained the son’s bad attitude.

“You must tell the truth” said the father angrily to his son. “If you signed it, admit it!”

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, “I want to sell Bibles for you.”

“OK, you’re hired. Here’s your kit; go sell!”

The second came in and said, “I want to sell Bibles for you.”

“OK, you’re hired! Here’s your kit; go sell!”

The third came in and said, “I- i- I wa- wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi- bi- bi- Bibles, sell Bi-Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!”

“No,” shouted the man, “this will never work! You can’t sell Bibles for me!”

The applicant replied, “B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!”

As there were no other applicants, he man said, “OK, I’ll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!”

At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, “I sold 8 Bibles today.” The second reports: “I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, “To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so-so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b-bibles!”

“Great,” says the man.

“However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!”

At the end of the second day, the first worker comes in and reports, “Today, I sold 32 Bibles.” The second worker reports, “I sold 44 Bibles today” The third worker reports, “To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles.”

“Fantastic,” said the man, “since you’re doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don’t you tell them what your sales technique is.”

Replied the worker, “I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w-a- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b–b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi – want to buy a Bi–b–a – a- abi – buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to *READ* it to ’em?”

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.”

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale — R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

This couple were going on holidays and they left the neighbour in charge of the cat.

After about a week in their holiday they received a telegram to say that the cat was run over by a car and died.

The wife became very sad and depressed as she was very attached to the cat, this news ruined the holiday, so the husband sent a telegram to his neighbour to say that he shouldn’t have sent a telegram like this but he should have broken the news gently to them by sending the first telegram to say, for example that the cat went to play in the street, and the second telegram saying that it had an accident and the cat is in intensive care. The third telegram you tell us that the cat died peacefully in a coma or something like that.

Three days later the husband received a telegram from the neighbour: “Your mother went to play in the street”.

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces: “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash!

There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

An Irishman comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two.

This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, “You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you.”

The Irishman replies, “No, I prefer it this way. See, I’m very close to my two brothers. They’re both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together.”

The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the lad orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He’s gotten to know this guy for awhile and finally feels it necessary to ask.

“Is everything alright?” the bartender asked.

“What do you mean?” replied the Irish gentleman.

“Well,” the bartender said, “all these months you’ve ordered three drinks. Now you’ve only ordered two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?”

“No,” the gentleman replied. “They’re fine. It’s just that I quit drinking.”