FUNERAL
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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s really your pa.”
FAMILY PROBLEMS
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Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.
After a while one of them said, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife. I am my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems!”
BOYFRIEND LOST MONEY
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Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, “Is something bugging you? You look anxious.”
“Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market,” she explained.
“Oh, that’s too bad,” the other girl sympathized. “I’m sure you’re feeling sorry for him.”
“Yeah, I am,” she said. “He’ll miss me.”
MAN, WOMAN, SAVAGE
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An English professor wrote the words “Woman without her man is a savage” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is a savage.”
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is a savage.”
MARRIED AND SINGLE FRIEND
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The married business executive had to make a trip to West Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise,he wired his bachelor friend: “Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.”
His friend was quick to wire back: “Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30a.m. How long have you known about us?
CIA TRAINING
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These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room.
They bring the first guy’s wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says “Go kill your wife of five years.” The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and says “I can’t do it.” The instructor replies, “Then you fail out – get out.”
They then bring the second guy’s wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says “Go kill your wife of ten years.”The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says “I can’t do it.” The instructor replies, “Then you fail out – get out.”
Finally, they bring the third guy’s wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says “Go kill your wife of fifteen years.” The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room.The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and says, “Good job, asshole! You gave me blanks – I had to choke the bitch!”
THREE CHILDREN
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A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking, and athletic; but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” The husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask me about the other three.”
WRONG NUMBER
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Mrs. Smith was in the habit of having long conversations on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes.
“What is the matter today?”, asked her husband.
“Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone.”
“I got a wrong number,” replied Mrs. Smith.