Category: Misc

Miscellaneous Jokes

  • What is Tension?

    What is Tension?

    A beautiful girl asks lift from you. On the way she faints and you take her to hospital.

    Doctor says ‘Congrats. You are going to become a father.’

    THAT’S IT. YOU GET TENSED.

    You say – ‘But that baby is not mine.’

    Girl says – ‘he is only the father of my baby.’

    YOU HAVE MORE TENSION.

    Police comes and DNA test is done. Report comes. Which says that you can never become a father?

    EVEN MORE TENSION FOR YOU.

    Anyhow you thank God and return home. Then you think, “At home I have 2 kids. Whose are those?”

    THIS IS REAL TENSION. ☺

  • Why Kashmir Is Not A Dangerous Flashpoint For World War III

    Why Kashmir is not a dangerous flashpoint for World
    War 3 ! This situation could really happen 🙂

    Between 60’s and 80’s, the cold war between US and
    USSR was such that if USA launched a Nuke-loaded
    missile, USSR’s satellites were capable of nforming
    USSR army in 3 seconds, and in less than 45 seconds
    USSR would also launch its counter-missile. US knew
    that, and therefore, never attempted to launch one.

    Recent studies commissioned by US DOD included one
    likely scenario on a nuclear war between India and
    Pakistan.

    INDO-PAK WAR…
    Pak army decides to launch a Nuke-missile towards
    India… They don’t need any permission from their
    government, and promptly launch the missile.

    Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8
    seconds, Indian army detects it and decides to launch
    a missile in retaliation. But they need permission
    from The Government of India. They submit their
    request to the Indian President.

    The President forwards it to the Cabinet. The Prime
    Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha (i.e., LS)
    session. After three days, when the LS meets, due to
    several walkouts and severe protest by the opposition,
    it gets adjourned indefinitely. The President asks for
    a quick decision.

    In the meantime, the Pak missile failed to take off
    due to unknown reasons. Their attempts for a relaunch
    are still on. Meanwhile, the Indian ruling party is
    reduced to minority because a party, giving outside
    support, withdraws support. Therefore, its first task
    is now to get majority. The President asks the PM to
    prove majority within a week. Meanwhile, an external
    affairs spokesman requests Pak for some bilateral
    talks, at the secretary and minister levels.

    Next week, as the ruling party was not able to get
    confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed.
    The acting PM decides to permit the armed forces to
    launch the Nuclear Missile. But the Election
    Commission says that a caretaker government cannot
    take such a decision because elections are at hand and
    this decision might affect the swing of votes
    in the election.

    A PIL (Public Interest Litigation) is filed in the
    Supreme Court of India, alleging misuse of power by
    the Election commission. The Supreme Court comes to
    the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is
    authorized to take this decision, in the interests of
    the nation.

    In between, one of the Pak missiles successfully took
    off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target on a
    government building at 11:00 AM. But there were no
    casualties since no employee had reached the office by
    then. In any case, the nuclear core of missile had
    detached some where in flight. Pakistan army is now
    trying to get better technologies from China and USA.

    US condemns the use of a nuclear missile by Pakistan,
    and offers to send its seventh fleet in Indian Ocean.
    The Indian government, wary of the move, declines. The
    Indian government finally decides to launch a nuclear
    missile, after convening an all party meeting. This
    time all the parties agree. It’s three months since
    the army had sought permission.

    But this time, some “pro-humanity”, “anti-nuclear”
    activists come on road against the government’s
    decision. Human chains are being made in CA, LA and
    Washington for peace. Many E-mails are sent to Indians

    condemning the government and mentioning “Please
    forward it to as many Indians as possible.”

    On the Pakistan side, the missiles keep failing. Some
    time they fail to take-off, some time the payload gets
    detached from the missile during flight. Some missiles
    deviate from target due to technical failures or
    high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan, these missiles
    are
    neutralized by Pak itself, as these missiles are now
    moving backwards towards Karachi.

    A missile (smuggled from USA) is used. Since Pakistan
    army is unable to understand its software, it hits its
    original destination: Russia.
    Russians successfully intercept the missile and in
    retaliation, launch a nuclear missile towards
    Islamabad. (Note: Russian missiles never fail.) The
    missile hits the target and creates havoc.

    Pakistan cries for help. It asks for loans from the
    IMF and the World Bank. India expresses deep regrets
    for what had happened and sends in a million dollar
    worth of soaps.

    So in the end, India never got to launch the missile.
    Pak never got it right and got themselves screwed.

    Indian Diplomacy at its best!

    Conclusion reached by the DOD: Kashmir is now no
    longer a dangerous flashpoint, and they turn their
    attention towards Osama Bin Laden!

    And they lived happily ever after.

  • Cold Winter

    It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
    Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian
    Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and
    when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going
    to be.

    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
    winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
    should collect wood to be prepared.

    But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He
    went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
    “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

    “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the
    meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back
    to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be
    prepared.

    One week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it
    going to be a very cold winter?”

    “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to
    be a very cold winter.”

    The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
    every scrap of wood they could find.

    Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you
    absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

    “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest
    winters ever.

    “How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

    The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”

  • Universal Laws

    1. Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
      After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
    2. Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
      Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
    3. Kovac’s Conundrum
      When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
    4. Cannon’s Karmic Law
      If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
    5. O’brien’s Variation Law
      If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
    6. Bell ‘s Theorem
      When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
    7. Ruby’s Principle of Close Encounters
      The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
    8. Willoughby ‘s Law
      When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
    9. Zadra’s Law of Biomechanics
      The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
    10. Breda’s Rule
      At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
    11. Owen’s Law
      As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
    12. Howden’s Law
      You remember you have to mail a letter only when you’re near the mailbox.
    13. And the last and best:

    14. Murphy’s Law
      What has to go wrong will go wrong.
  • A Training Program for Top Management

    A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife !”. The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “That woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

    About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”. Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “… and I can’t remember who she was !”. As expected, he got thrashing of his life time….

    Moral of the story : Don’t copy if you can’t paste 🙂

  • James Bond and The Telugu Guy

    Once it so happened in a flight that, James bond was sitting besides a Telugu guy..

    Both were traveling to US.

    Telugu Guy : “Hello, May I know ur name please?”

    James Bond : “I am Bond.. James Bond.”

    James Bond: “and you?”

    Telugu Guy : “I am Sai… Venkata Sai… Siva Venkata Sai…Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…. Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai …Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai..”

    James Bond FAINTS.

  • Orkut Song (Titanic Song Remake)

    Every time in my orkut
    I see you. I scrap you.
    That is how I know you go on.
    Far across the Scrap Book
    And testimonials between us
    You have come to show yourself ” single”.
    Near, far, wherever you are
    I believe that the friends list does go on
    Once more you logged on
    And you’re here in my scrap book
    And my scrap book will go on and on
    Testimonials can touch us one time
    And last for sometime
    And never let go till we’re friends
    Love was when I saw your friends list
    One true time I hold to
    In my life I’ll surely view her/his profile
    Near, far, wherever you are
    I believe that the friends list does go on
    Once more you logged on
    And you’re here in my scrap book
    And my scrap book will go on and on
    There is some amazing profile that will not
    go away
    You’re here, there’s so much to fear,
    And I know that my friend will know I checked her/him out
    We’ll stay forever this way
    You are safe in my friends list
    And my friends list will go on