Category: Misc

Three Tough Mice

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes
a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says, “I’m the
toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I walk throughout
the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up
the pellets with my morning coffee — just for an extra jolt to
start off each day.”

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey —
throws his glass on the floor and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in
this city. I’m so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I
trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on
its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over
with my feet — then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for
breakfast. It’s all part of my morning routine.”

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the
conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, “I’ve had
enough of you two. I’m going to go home and screw the cat.”

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a
child’s whispered, “Hello?” “Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes,” came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked the child, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss
asked “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the firemen,” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is
that noise?”

“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just
landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss
asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle
“Me.”

Suddenly one of the employees in an organisation
took 10 days Leave
without any notice. When he returned his
PL(project leader) asked for explanation..
The employee said “sir, my mom died unexpectedly”…
The PL let it go at
that!!!..
After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this
time he said his father
died…. Then the PL got changed..
After 3 months the same pattern repeated.. And the
employee gave. The
explanation that his mom died. After 3 months same
thing again, and this
time his father died. This happened repeatedly for
2 years.
At the end, one PL checked his past records and told
him, “I have caught
you red handed, How come in the past 2 years, your
mom has died 5 times,
and your dad has died five times?”
To which the guy said, “Sir, My mom died and my
father remarried. Then my
father died and my new mom remarried.. Then my mom
died and the new father
remarried.. This has been going on and on…

Four brothers left home for college, and they
became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years
later,they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the
gifts
they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in
another
city.
The first said “I had a big house built for Mama.”
The second said “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in
the house.”
The third said “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you
know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met
this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire
Bible.
It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it
was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it.”
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out
her Thank You notes. She wrote:

“Milton, the house you built is so huge. I
live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks
anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home,
I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The
thought was good. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater
with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are
dead,
I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank
you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to
have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

An Irishman comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two.

This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, “You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you.”

The Irishman replies, “No, I prefer it this way. See, I’m very close to my two brothers. They’re both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together.”

The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the lad orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He’s gotten to know this guy for awhile and finally feels it necessary to ask.

“Is everything alright?” the bartender asked.

“What do you mean?” replied the Irish gentleman.

“Well,” the bartender said, “all these months you’ve ordered three drinks. Now you’ve only ordered two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?”

“No,” the gentleman replied. “They’re fine. It’s just that I quit drinking.”

Indian movies will alwayz be an eye opener.Here is a story of Vijaykant’s
next (Telegu) movie Its named as “Captain Planet”(WOW !!! wer do they get
these names??)

Vijaykant is a scientist in NASA…….( yes folks……….u read that
right.NASA…the American space lab-A very big set designed for this by
kalaipuli S.Dhaanu).

When our hero was busy launching a satellite to Pluto, his wife simran is
about to deliver a baby and she wanted to meet him. But the launch process
badly need a person like our hero, and there is no other option.

Senior scientist Radha asks him to stay back till it gets launched.
Our well commited hero successfully launches the satellite, and comes back
home in a horse (wer are all the planes gone.??….:)), but his wife is
dead. Mean time, other scientists in NASA claim that they wer responsible
for the launch and they didnt recognise Vijaykanth.

He resigns from there and comes back to india with his family leading a
peaceful life…. days go by till……

Oneday, the scientists, to their surprise found that SUN is reaching EARTH
slowly and after sometime it may BURN the earth to ashes.. All the
scientists are worried how to save the EARTH..

Then they realize that only “THE HERO” (Vijaykanth) can do it…

They visit India,telling him the facts, and Vijaykant joins back there to
complete the mission of saving the EARTH…After a very big research,
Vijaykant is inventing an instrument.

The instrument will deflect the SUN from its path to EARTH..

All the scientist are very happy and appreciating vijaykanth’s invention.

So finally Vijaykant is all set to go into the SPACE and save the earth.

He and one other person (Chandra sekhar, Who is a prisoner in Vellore, Has
been choosen by our hero because none other in US army can do that job)
are travelling in an spacecraft towards the SUN.

They moved out of earth and in space & Vijaykant is coming out of the
spacecraft and standing on the Wings of the spacecraft.

He is taking out the instrument and showing it to the SUN…..

oh!!!!!!!! The instrument is not working… The terrorists deactivated it
!!!(ha ha ha …..u got to be kiddin me)

All the scientists are worried at the earth station…..tension mounts
up……….

SUN is reaching the EARTH slowly………….

Climax – With the SUN floats towards the EARTH, VIJAYKANTH puts one leg on
spacecraft , turns back, kicks off the SUN with ultimate force.. and jumps back
to the spacecraft….

now the SUN is deflecting away from its path to EARTH!!!!!!!!!!! EARTH
SAVED…

He shows Indian flag in his hand and the spacecraft moves back to earth!

The End

Guyz im not joking…..this is how the movie goes…….jaihind…:):):))))

SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT .

An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

One Chinese gymnast = India’s Gold Medal tally since 1896

Sushmita Sen – 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.

Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park.

4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = 4 minute song
in Hindi movie.

Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality + own

production company = Kajol

Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mom’s favorite serials.

Amitabh Bachchan – Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR.

Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan – Talent.

Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

1 person – shirt = Salman Khan

1 person + straight hair + unstraight walk = Sanjay Dutt

1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four Hundred
Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace
= One Sooraj Barjataya Film.

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces: “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash!

There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

Where is God?

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits’ end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, “Sure, do that before I kill them!”

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, “We are in BIIIIG trouble.”

The older boy asked, “What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?”

His brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did it. …!!! ”

This story is about a rather strange reply for a
campground reservation. It is said to be true,
but you be the judge.

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,
and elegant – especially in her language – was
planning a week’s vacation in Florida so she wrote
to a particular campground and asked for a
reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully
equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about
the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring
herself to write the word ‘TOILET’ in her letter.
After much deliberation, she finally came up with
the old-fashioned term ‘BATHROOM COMMODE.’ But
when she wrote that down, she still thought she
was being too forward. So, she started all over
again, rewrote the letter and referred to the
bathroom commode merely as the B.C. ‘Does the
campground have it’s own B.C.?’ is what she
actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at
all and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t
figure out what the woman was talking about. That
B.C. business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for a while, he showed the
letter to several campers, but they couldn’t
imagine what the lady meant either. So the
campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion
that the lady must be asking about the location of
the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the
following reply:

‘Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in
answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in
informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles
north of the campground and is capable of seating
250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a
distance away if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to
know that a great number of people usually take
their lunches along and make a day of it. They
usually arrive early and stay late.’

‘The last time my wife and I went was six years
ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up
the whole time we were there. It may interest you
to know that right now, there is a supper being
planned to raise money to buy more seats. They’re
going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.’

‘I would like to say it pains me very much not to
be able to go more regularly but it is sure no
lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it
seems to be more of an effort, particularly in
cold weather.’

‘If you do decide to come down to our campground,
perhaps I could go with you the first time you go,
sit with you, and introduce you to all the other
folks.’

‘Remember, this is a friendly community.’