Author: rahul

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in
mud.
After a while you realize that while you are getting
dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember
you when he is in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong
answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.

Behind every successful woman, is a man who is
surprised.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, didn’t know
where to shop.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.

I’m not a complete idiot, there’re still some parts
missing!

Forgive your enemies but remember their names!

The number of people watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a
piece of my finger to my father.
– He said he wanted more proof.

Some pain is physical
and some is mental,
but one that’s both is
dental.

10 stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some
equally stupid answers:-

1. At the movies:
When you meet quaintances/friends Stupid Question:-Hey, what are you doing
here?
A: Well,it’s so hot , there were no cool cabs so I thought I’d watch some
advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2. In the bus:
A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
A: No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia why don’t you try again or
should i try this time.”

3. At a funeralne of the teary-eyed people
Ask Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
A: Why?Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:-Is the “blah blah blah” dish good
A: No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement.We occasionaly
also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together.
When some distant aunt meets you after years Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
A: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding:
You ask Stupid Question:-Is the guy you’re marrying good?
A: No,he’s a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout…it’s just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:-Sorry. were you sleeping?
A: No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you
called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win.What
do you think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair Stupid
Question:-Hey have you had a haircut?
A: No, its autumn and I’m shedding……

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed oblects in your mouth
Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts?
A: And while I’m telling you , you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke
A: No, it’s a miracle, it was a chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

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Good morning…Have u done two of the most important things when you
wake up today?

1)Pray, so that u may live… 2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!

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Can u pronounce good English:- read along woof, roof, loof, shoof,
shoof,

woof, loof, roof, poof, woof woof, hoof, woof, roof, shoof.

Test results:

U r a good dog. Now stop barking.

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|If u hide, i’ll seek 4 u. If u r lost, i’ll search 4 u.

If u’ll leave, |i’ll wait 4 u. If days take u away 4m me, i’ll fight 4
u.

But, if u stop sending msgs, i’ll kill you.

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I saw something in a shop window. It was stunning, cute, simply
adorable.

I was supposed 2 buy it 4 u, then I realised it was my reflection.

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To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ,
knowledge,

way of __expression & many more mental qualities.

Hats off 2 u coz u manage 2 live without them.

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Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked 4 “world peace”.

That’s impossible, he said. Then I asked him 2 give u brains.

He said “Let me try world peace”

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Falling in love is a sweet ambition, finding true love is a life time
mission..

Take my word, follow the Indian tradition & marry ur dad’s ugly
decision.

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If u save this msg, it means I’m cute. If u edit this, I’m still cute.

If u fwd this, u r spreading that i’m cute & if u erase this, u r
jealous of me

coz i’m cute!

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This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds. 5….

4…. 3…. 2….

1….

Error : No Brain Detected !!

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Dark were those days, without your sight. When I was in darkness,
you gave me light. You gave me strength 2 make life bright.

Thank you so much

PHILIPS TUBELIGHT

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Boy: BUS,TRAIN aur LADKI ek jaise hi hote hai,1 jati hai to dusri aa jati hai ;). Girl: AUTORIKSHA,TAXI aur LADKE ek jaise hote hai,1 bulao to 4 chale aate hai 😉

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Message levu..! Phone ledu..! Atleast missed call kuda ledu..! Naku tension ga undi! Em ayindi? Kopma teesi ZOO vallaki malli doriki poyava..?

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Chicken ready? Yes boss. Fish ready? Yes boss. Egg ready? Yes boss. Mutton ready? No boss. Why? BAKRA is still reading the SMS.

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Help me. Come fast. It is very URGENT. Only u can HELP. That’s why I need u 2 come fast. My neighbour’s baby is crying 2 c a monkey…!

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STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.

Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.

Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colors do you have?”

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.

Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.

Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.

Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.

Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father coincidently got married on the same day and at the same time.”

Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in his hand.”

1) tum aa gaye ho ;
noor aa gaya hai
chalo teeno movie chalen

2) Maine tujhe sau-sau khat likhe,
tune kisi ka bhi jawab nahi diya;
kahin tere dil mein raddi ki tokri to nahi?

3) Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Paas gaya. to bheeg gaya.

4) jise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi
jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi
dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim
bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi

5) Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main,
badi joshh ke sath !
Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main,
badi shhor ke sath !
Aab hum pyar karenge badi soch ke sath !
Kyon ki usey kal shamko dekha kisi aur ke sath !

6) LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
LAL DIWAR PAR CHUNE SE LIKHA THA GHALIB NE
YAHAN LIKHANA MANA HAI.

7) TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
TERI JULF HAI YA ANDHERI RAAT KA SAAYA
SAR MUNDWA LE TO SAVERA HO JAI.

8) kaaash ke tere chehre par Chickenpox ke daag hote.
kaaash ke tere chehre par chickenpox ke daag hote.
chand to tu hai hi sitaare bhee saaath hote !!!

9) ladka bola :
kash ein hasinao ke baap mar jate,
bahana gam ka hota, hum inke ghar to jaate.
Ladki boli:
Bewkoof, Yeh sochana bhi paap hoga,
kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga.

Irshaad.Irshaad

10) Ladki boli:
Chandni chaand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi,
Mohabbat ek se hoti hai, hazaaron se nahi.

Ladka bola :

Chandni agar chaand se hogi to sitaron ka kya
hoga,
Mohabbat agar ek se hogi to hazaron ka kya hoga.

IrshaadIrshaad.

11) Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai,
Dil jalati hai, par hoto se to lagti hai

12) This is the Very special.
Before Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti

After Marriage

takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi marti.

If you love someone

– Go get it (Visa power)

? Want to propose to a girl
– Just do it. (Nike)

? Before going to propose to a girl
– Believe in the best (BPL)

? If your girl asks you which dress to wear
– Kuch nahi (Pears)

? Not satisfied with your dates
– Yeh dil mangey more (Pepsi)

? If you are going to propose to a girl, chances are…
– 50-50 (Britannia)

? Those who succeed in love always say
– We dream because we do (Daewoo)

? A guy having a number of girl friends
– Complete Man (Raymonds)

? A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
– Yeh hai hamara suraksa chakra (Colgate)

? If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
– Take it easy (Limca)

? If you get married to a girl of your mother’s choice…
– Jiyo merey Lal (Brook Bond)

Some great punch lines
1. I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I’m perfect.

2. I’ve got to sit down and work out where I stand.

3. If I save time, when do I get it back?

4. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

6. Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

7. The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

8. As I said before, I never repeat myself.

9. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

10. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work.

11. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.

14. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.

15. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

16. If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.

17. I was born intelligent – education ruined me.

18. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train
stops. On my desk, I have a,work station… What more can I say

19. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly
are the others here for?

20. Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright Until
you hear them speak.

21. How come “abbreviated” is such a long word

22. Don’t frown. You never know who is falling in love with your
smile.

23. The Best of Proverbs
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough

24. Living on Earth may be expensive…
but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun..

25. Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep !

26.. ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY So what
Who’s in a hurry

27. Love is photogenic;
it needs darkness to develop

29. A drunk was hauled into court.
Mister, the judge began, you’ve been brought here for
drinking…. Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?

30. Can you do anything that other people can’t?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..

31. Whom are you working for?
Same people. My wife and four kids

Crazy Q & A

1) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

2) My father is so old that when he was in
school, history was called current affairs.

3) Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man
beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue
would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

4) Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you
say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a
good cook.

5). Manager: Sorry,but i can’t give u a job. I
don’t need much help.
Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just
the right person in this case. You see, I won’t
be of much help anyway!!

6). Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports
car around it.

7). Teacher: Desmond, your composition on
“My Dog” is exactly the same as your
brother’s. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it’s the same dog!

8). Diner: I can’t eat such a rotten chicken.Call
the manager!
Waiter: It’s no use. He won’t eat it either.

9). Diner: You’ll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don’t expect to walk there,
do you?

10). Husband: U know, wife, our son got his
brain from me.
Wife:I think he did, I’ve still got mine with me!

11). Man: Officer! There’s a bomb in my
garden!
Officer: Don’t worry. If no one claims it within
three days, you can keep it.

12). Father: Your teacher says she finds it
impossible to teach you anything!
Son:That’s why I say she’s no good!