Category: Jokes

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage
anniversary.  

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in
their period of 25 years.  

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret
of their well known “happy going marriage”.  

Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
”  

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:  

“We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.  

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on
different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife
was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped
suddenly, making my wife topple over.  

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and
said “This is your first time”. She again climbed the horse and continued
with the ride. After a while, it happened again.. This time she again kept
calm and said “This is your second time” and continued.  

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver
from the purse and shot the horse dead!!  

I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor
animal. Are you crazy?”.  

She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”.”  

Husband:”That’ s it. We are happy ever after “

Men on earth die and go to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to form two queues one Line for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk.”

Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one man.

God gets mad and says, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replies, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:

Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.

The woman started crying
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!!!!! !!!!!!

World’s Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’ The girl said, ‘NO!’ And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

Men Are Hard To Please …….VERY VERY TRUE

The problems with GUYS:
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don’t , he says u are PROUD .
If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don’t , he says u are from VILLAGE .
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET , he says u have no B RAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he’ll lose FACE ;
If he’s Smarter than u, he is GREAT .
If u don’t L ove him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Lovehim! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME ;
If u don’t , he says that u don’t TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED ;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE , u are BAD girl;
If he S MOKES , he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELLin your exams, he says it’s LUCK ;
If he does WELL, it’s BRAINS .
If u HURThim, u are CRUEL ;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please !!!!!

If u send this to guys, they will swear that it’s not true …….
but if u don’t, they say u are selfish …..
The moral of the story is …….

SEND THIS TO GUYS OUT THERE ANYWAY …

Send it to girls also, gives them some laughter …..

Nine words women use…

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Got this as a forward from someone …

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT????!!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…”You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went home. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT???!!!” I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.