Category: Genders

This is from an actual trial in the UK :

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account
of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She
moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing………………

She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted
in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she
was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Coming Soon: The
Gold Dust Twins’. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement, which read:’William’s Stick Did The Trick’. Then I could not
control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an
advertisement, which read: ‘Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
accident.’

The case was dismissed………!!!!!!!

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching
dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a
tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later”…

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Seattle where a woman may go
to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors,
and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the
flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you
may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping
center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my
last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further
up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and
are extremely good looking.

“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 –

These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the
housework. “Wow,” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be
further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5

These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the
housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just
think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she
goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 –

You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank
you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.

*Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant***

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.”

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, “I’ve found a woman just like mother!”
His father replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asked his friend.
“My wife found out…

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

This algorithm has been tested and works fine.

1. Search for a most-beautiful girl.Find a way to talk to her. Finding a
reason depends on your skill.
You have to find a reason because she would never approach no matter how
frustrated she is.

2. If you don’t succeed got to step 1 again.

3. Start with some concrete point and slowly slowly shift to her personal
details.

4. Ask her for coffee like: “You are busy right?”.She will say “No”. and
then “You don’t like coffee?”.
No direct thing like “Would you please come for coffee with me?”

5. Asking for lunch:
When she has finished her lunch, approach her and ask “Had lunch?”. She will
say “Yes”.
Than say “Hey, you didn’t call me”. Next day she will call
you.Nodirect pleading like: “Please have a lunch with
me.”

6. Well, how to ask for having coffee outside(in some café): Tell her that
this coffee is not good. Tell some technical reason. Then
tell her that that café nearby serves a damn good coffee. Next day either
she will ask or you ask her in some indirect fashion.

7. When you want her to take on some outing…
“You know last evening it was really a great fun. We all friends went to ABC
park.
It’s a beautiful place..cool breeze..Complete silenece..no clamouring..No
rush..Wow..We enjoyed a lot.”
Hopefully next time she will ask herself to take her to that place. if she
doesn’t, ask “Hey lily, we are going to ABC park. Are you coming?”
She will. No compelling..Nothing..

8. If you don’t succeed go to step 5 again.

9. When you cross the road, she needs help..Just hold her hand and help
crossing..
This will be your first time when you are touching her..Dont be
excited..Pretent as if everything is normal.
Now even after crossing the road don’t leave her hand. Even while talking.
If she throws your hand away..and gets serious.. Just get up and sit far
from her and say “is that ine now?”.. Show a bit of anger..and make her
realize that she is a very backward and
has no sense of new society.. “Don’t know in what era you are living”.

10. If you don’t get a chance to hold her hand, just be patient till you
drag discussion to some Palmist’s story.

11. Now 50% part is finished.

12. Keep on playing small tricks..
Try insinuating thoughts into her mind:”Aishe mat dekho..Pyar ho
jayega..hehe:)(followed by smiles)”.

13. rest is on you..

14. NEVER EVER SAY ‘I LOVE YOU’..THIS IS THE MOST

FATAL STATEMENT…IF SPOKEN BEFORE COMPLETE FLOURISHMENT OF LOVE.

Theory: When you say the things like “I LOVE YOU”,” I love you so much”,” I
can’t live without you”.It means you have completely given your self into
her hands and you are on her sympathy
now. She would never fall for you…and if u rnt rich she would never
marry..

“Tum bas ek friend ban kar rah jaoge”…

Actually, The whole system is made up of small units having relation of
master-slave.(as per Lacan)

Once you propose or say the things like “I love you..I can’t live without
you”..you become slave.

15. If you really want to admire(not adore) her:

“Hey, pink color suits you. You are looking cute”. “I like the way you say
“oh.no “”…etc etc.

“ADMIRE IN INSTALLATIONS”.

16. On phone..Always hang the phone before she does.

“Hey, I was just thinking about you. bla bla bla…

I have got some call We will talk in the evening/after some time”.

Stanley Cup

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat
right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is
empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting
there. “No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible”,
said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final
game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?” The neighbour says “Well,
actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but
she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together
since we got married in 1967.” Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s
terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even
a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

Stress Reliever # 1

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how

impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can
there be greater than this one?”
______________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.

Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
_____________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 3

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.
_____________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 4

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father
hadn’t left me a fortune?” “Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have
married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE”
______________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 5

Father to son after exam: “let me see your report card.”

Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
______________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 6

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?”

Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”

Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
______________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 7

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
_______________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 8

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me

– my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour.

1) Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c so a=c tell me another example.

Student: I love u – u love your daughter – so I love your daughter.

2) Three fastest means of communication telephone – television – tell

A women

3) Its funny when people discuss over “love marriage” and “arrange

marriage” It is like asking a person if he would like to “hang

himself” or “shoot himself”.

4) What is a girl friend? Addition of problems – subtraction of money

multiplication of enemies – division of friends.

5) A married man was asked to perform his SWOT(Strength,

Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis. He said, my strength is

my wife. My weakness is my neighbor’s wife. Opportunity comes

when neighbor goes out. Threat comes when I myself go out.