Category: Genders

A new element called woman:

A new element has to be added in the Periodic Table
which is recommended by my experienced friend.

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Discoverer : Adam Edenwarden
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg; isotopes vary from
35 – 200 kg.
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with thin painted film
2. Boils at room Temperature
3. Freezes without any known reason
4. Melts if given special treatment
5. Bitter if incorrectly used
6. Sweeter under certain conditions
7. Found in various states, ranging from metals to
common ore
8. Ductile if moulded properly
9. Yields to pressure applied at correct points

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Have great affinity for gold, silver and a
range of precious
stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive
substances
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning
and for no known
reason
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly
increases by
saturation in alcohol
4. Most powerful money non-reducing agent known to
man

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in bikes and cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy
2. Turns green when placed beside a better
specimen

AVAILABLITY:
1. Available in wide different forms and varieties
2. Can be easily seen in all busy areas

POTENTIAL HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although
several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens
do not come into direct
contact with each other

!!! WARNING !!! PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE
SEVERE
FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGE AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS.
NOTE: New properties are still being discovered.
Please wait for
updates.

Smart man + Smart women = Romance
Smart man + Dumb women = Pregnancy
Dumb man + Smart women = Affair
Dumb man + Dumb women = marriage
Smart boss + Smart employee = Profits
Smart boss + Dumb employee = Production
Dumb boss + Smart employee = Promotion
Dumb boss + Dumb employee = Overtime

——————————————————————————–

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t
need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that
his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot &
not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single man,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s
no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t
change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a
woman- before marriage and after marriage.

——————————————————————————–

Maria a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa.

Papa told her, “Maria, you’ll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother”. So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo.

But after telling papa again, he said, “Maria there’s trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, my darling. Please don’t tell your mother, but Ricardo is your half-brother too.”

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said “My darling, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa.”

These are the views of some really great people about a wife. If U diagree with it just delete it , else save it. But remember ur diagreeal doesn’t make a difference as I guess these people who have stated these are far more intellectual than we are …………… So just enjoy 🙂 !

Every man should get married sometime;
after all, happiness is not the only
thing in life!!
–Kevin.

—————————————
An archaeologist is the best husband
a woman can have; the older she gets the more
interested he is in her.
–Agatha Christie

——————————————————————–
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not
fair that some men should be happier than others.
–Oscar Wilde

——————————————————————-
Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
–Scottish Proverb
——————————————————————
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was
married for two years.
–Sam Kinison
——————————————————————
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you
expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
–Anonymous
—————————————————————-
Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
–H. L. Mencken

——————————————————————-
Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier.
H. L. Mencken
——————————————————————
Marriage is a three ring circus:
–engagement ring
—wedding ring
—suffering
————————————————————-
When a newly married couple smiles,
everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple
smiles, everyone wonders why.
————————————————————-
Love is blind but marriage is an
eye-opener.
—————————————————————
When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, You can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.
————————————————————–
I asked my wife, “Where do you want
to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
—————————————————
We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
———————————
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours
That was only for the estimate.
——————————–
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
——————————————
She ran after the garbage truck,yelling, “Am I
too late for the garbage?”
Following her down the street I
yelled, “No, jump in!”
—————————————
If your dog is barking at the back
door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?
The Dog of course…at least he’ll
shut up after you let him in!

——————————————————————–
A man placed some flowers on the
grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to
another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with
profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why
did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and
said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more
than I’ve ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A
child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect
himself, then replied, “My wife’s first
husband.”
—————————————-
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over,
made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But she leaned over too
much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while
but then smiled “It Really works!”
—————————————————————————-

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three 3 wishes.” The woman freed the frog. The frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!”
The woman said, “That would be okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.”
The woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.” So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That will be okay because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish,
……. And she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them!

Attention Lady Readers: This is the end of the joke for u. Stop here and continue feeling better.

Male Readers, please scroll down …..
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The man had a 10 times milder Heart Attack !!! (:-:)

Moral of the Story : Women are dumb so u can very easily mess with them!!!

WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you(guys)
need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes
is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘Nothing’
usually end in “Fine”

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you
are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over “Nothing”

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long
and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your
mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you’re welcome.

While walking down the street, a bum asks a man for $2.

“Will you buy booze?” the man asks, to which the bum replies “No.”

“Will you gamble it away?”

Once again the bum replies “No.”

Then the man asks, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

World of romance

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes
and
points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something
she
expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the
point
system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the snow (+8) But return
with
something else (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with a 6-iron (+10)

It’s her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS —– GREAT ONE !!!
You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy
(-2)
Named Roshni (-4)
Roshni is a dancer (-6)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a bar (+1)

Okay, it’s a bar (-2)

And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It’s a bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team (-10)

You forgot her birthday (-100000)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called Julie (-30)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

ENJOY THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) [Yeah, you lose points no matter
what]
You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, “Where?” (-35)

You reply, “Yes” (-5000)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
[When she wants to talk about a problem] You listen, displaying what
looks
like a concerned __expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

The Top Six Reasons Computers are Female

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message “Bad Command or File Name” is about as informative
as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not
going to tell you”.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!