Category: Technical

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a SHREDDER with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly, Sir” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need another photocopy ”

Moral of the story: never, never assume that BOSS knows everything!

Ever wondered how an HR Manager could write a love letter to his girlfriend? Here it goes …

To, My Dear Darling
Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Maya,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the jobtraining and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment woul d initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
HR Manager

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.

Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of t radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun will be making an angle of 160 degrees.

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary:

Dear Bo$$,

In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
ABC.

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear ABC,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world’s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager.

A MAN WAS SLEEPING IN HIS HOUSE. SUDDENLY YAMARAJ APPEARED & SAID, “GO OUT & ENJOY. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS.” HE DID SO & MET WITH AN ACCIDENT & DIED.

ON THE WAY TO HEAVEN IS THE HELL….SAW YAMARAJ WHISTLING N RELAXING. HE ASKED YAMRAJ, WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME.

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> “SORRY SON, Appraisal time, HAD TO ACHIEVE THE TARGET…”

One day a man was having a conversation with god when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints. He asked god “You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??” to which god answered “Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you…you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you”

Another day an associate was having a similar conversation with his Project Manager (PM) when his whole project flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints. He asked his PM “You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??” to which the PM answered “Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you…you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!!”

Some thing new

…………………

Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgad to

Collect the loot-maar software he had ordered.

They reach Ramgad and start shouting: “Abe O thakur!

Kahan hai wo loot-maar software? Last date to kab ka

nikal gaya”.

Thakur [with anger]: “Chillao mat! Jaakar Gabbar se

kah do ki Thakur

Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software

banana bund kar diya

hai.”

Kaalia: “Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye

programmers hire

kiye hain kya?”

Thakur: “Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par

powerbuilder chal

raha hai.”

Kaalia looks up and sees Viru (Dharmendra) working

on a PC on one

Water tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another, using a

laptop. Kaalia Starts

Laughing and says: “Ha ha… thakur ne freshers ko

liya hai ye log

Programming karenge? In ko to DOS commands bh! i

nahin aate.”

Veeru shouts: “Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log

consultants hain,

Kuch bhi kar sakte hain.”

Jay hits some commands on his keyboard, then says:

“jaao kaalia, Gabbar se kahna ki uska

server down ho gaya.”

***** AT GABBAR’S DEN…

******

Gabbar: “Kitne bugs the?”

Kaalia: “Do sarkaar.”

Gabbar: “Wo do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhi fix nahi kar

sake? Kya soch

Keya aye ho? Gabbar bahoot khush hoga?

Naya assignment dega aur increment bhi? Iski saza

milegi… barobar

milegi.”[Snatches an X terminal from Sambaa].”Kitne

sessions hain is

machine mein?”

Sambaa: “Chhey sarkaar.”

Gabbar: “Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot

naainsaafi

hai.[logout – logout – logout]. Haan ab theek hai…

ab tera kya hoga

Kaalia?”

Kaalia: “Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha.”

Gabbar: “To ab documentation kar!”

A Company decides to adopt Fridays as Casual Day and they issued a Memo
to all department intimating the same.

Week 1

Memo 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as
Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their
choice.

Week 3

Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate
attire for Casual Day.

Week 6

Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude.

Week 8

Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at
4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance
is mandatory.

Week 9

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member
Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for
proper casual-day dress.

Week 14

Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has distributed a 30-page
manual entitled “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards.” A
copy has been distributed to every employee.

Week 18

Memo 7: Company is providing psychological counseling for
employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20

Memo 8: We are no longer able to effectively support or manage
Casual Day.
Casual Day is discontinued

Have u tried to figure out why Wipro did not figure in the list of companies to whom ABN Amro has outsourced work????

Highly placed sources have come out with the reason…

A few days before the decision was being made, the CEO of ABN Amro called the Business Development Managers of all the companies to talk to them. It so happened that he called the BDM of Wipro also. The conversation went as below?..

CEO: Hi, I am calling from ABN Amro??.
Wipro BDM: [Without allowing the CEO to tell anything more] I already have your credit card. I have taken my home loan as well as my vehicle loan from your bank. I do not need anything more. Thank you for calling and please do not disturb me again!!!! [Bangs the receiver back on the telephone]