Category: Technical

Dilbert’s Theorem on Salary states that engineers and scientists
never
earn as much salary as business executives, sales people &
Management guys
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation
based on the
following three postulates:

Postulate 1:
Knowledge is Power (Knowledge=Power)

Postulate 2:
Time is Money (Time=Money)

Postulate 3:
(as every engineer knows): Power =Work/Time

It therefore follows:

Knowledge = Work / Time

and since Time = Money, we have:

Knowledge = Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work/Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion 1:
The Less you Know, the More you Make.

Conclusion 2:
This is the reason why your BOSS is paid more

I guess we follow this… honestly….

This one is brilliant…..read on ..it makes lot of
sense! Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of
the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas
hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey
tries to climb the ladder, all the other monkeys are
sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the
ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be
sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of
the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new
monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the
ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are
doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately
begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall
upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder. A
second original monkey is removed and replaced. The
newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all
the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This
includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that
he’s not on the receiving end this time, participates
in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing
it. However, he has no idea why he’s attacking the new
monkey. One by one, all the original monkeys are
replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None
of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of
them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will
enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries,
without having any idea why. “AND THAT’S HOW MANY
COMPANY’S POLICIES GET ESTABLISHED”.

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a
dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is
back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in
its mouth. He takes the note and it reads “Can I have 12 sausages and
a leg of lamb, please”. The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The
butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note
there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag,
placing it in the dog’s mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it’s about closing time, he
decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog
is walking down the street, when it comes to a

level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the
button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.
They do, and it walks across the road, with he butcher following him
all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at
the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling
its

left leg up and gets in it.

The butcher follows the dog into the bus. Then the dog shows a ticket
which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly
fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The
dog then sits near the driver’s seat looking outside waiting for the
bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and
wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the
bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house
very close to the stop. It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside
towards the door.

As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind
and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its
head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the
door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts
abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. “What in
heaven’s name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV,
for the life of me!”, to which the guy responds: “You call this
clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog’s
forgotten his key.”

Moral of the story:

You may continue to exceed onlooker’s expectations but shall always
fall short of the boss’ expectations. It’s dog’s life after
all………

E – Employee, C – Candidate

Story I
E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u !
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company
don’t want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of
u.

Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a
girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn’t want to consider This
personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company’s reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company’s reputation but because My
company
is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: yes
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can’t employ you because you lack fighting spirit.

Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a “grasshopper”!
(Job hoper lah!)

Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don’t Even want
to
employ you, neither do we!
C: But,…… there is no position in his company.
E: Then,….. what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will
affect
your managers’ working spirits.
C: But,…… I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!!

Programmer to Team Leader :

“We can’t do this proposed project.**CAN NOT**. It will involve a major
design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy
system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this
application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it,
they can’t. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take
these type of projects.”

Team Leader to Project Manager :

“This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don’t have
any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is
unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we
take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a
project of this nature.”

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager :

“This project involves a design change in the system and we don’t have
much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able
to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it.”

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager :

“This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who
have worked in this area and others who know the implementation
language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we
should take this
project, but with caution.”

Senior Level Manager to CEO :

“This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in
remodelling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the
necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some
people have already given in house training in this area to other staff
members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by
us
under any circumstances.”

CEO to Client :

“This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust
me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for
doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute
this project successfully and well within the given time frame.”

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women
can deliver a baby in
One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks a single woman
cannot deliver a baby in
nine months.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman
can deliver nine
babies
in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a
baby.
5) Marketing manager is a person who thinks I can
deliver a child whether a
man and woman is available or not.
6) Resource optimization team thinks I don’t need a
man or woman, i’ll
still
produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation team thinks I don’t care whether
the child is delivered,
i’ll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy
with the PROCESS to
produce baby.

Law 1 .Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or
forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.

Law 2 . The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the
payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when
deadline force is applied.

Law 3 . For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite
Software Implementation.

Bonus 🙂 Law 4.
Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It
can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in
the software always remains constant.

Cyber Age Movie Story

Hero is a software engineer. He does not have a life worth speaking
of. He spends eighteen hours a day in the office working and browsing
the net.

Heroine is a software engineer in the same company. She does not have
a life either. She spends eight hours in front of her PC, thirteen
hours in front of the TV and the remaining, sleeping.

One day, Hero meets Heroine in a staff meeting. They argue endlessly
about the insanity of Microsoft applications.. especially Outlook
2003.

Couple of such fights later, Heroine is found drinking coffee with
Hero in Office canteen.

“What is life?” asks the Hero looking at the vacuum right above her
head.
“I’ve been wondering too.” sighs the heroine.
“Why are we fighting over Outlook 2003?” Hero drinks his black coffee.
“And why are we not talking about Lotus NOtes” Heroine sips her Latte.

Hero shakes his head. “It’s not about software products. It is about
life. I guess life is much bigger than OUtlook 2003.”

Heroine nods. “I think it is. I am not sure though. Do you know that
Microsoft has come up with a fix to that bug you’ve been using to
prove Outlook is a worthless piece of garbage?”

“Heroine,” Hero is now determined, “From this moment onwards, I am not
discussing anything remotely related to software.”

“Fine Hero,” says Heroine, “Good bye then.”

Hero then returns all the Sybase manuals to the library and rents out
“how to live a life?”

Heroine meanwhile gets into an altercation with the villain during a
conversation on Sharepoint server. Villain vows to format the hard
disk of the heroine. Heroine takes her PC and runs away from the
cubicle trying to escape from the villain’s evil intentions. Since it
is night shift, no one comes to her rescue.

Hero, who has been reading “how to live a life” very seriously,
suddenly finds out that he loves the heroine as much as he used to
love Tetris.

So hero messages Heroine on Yahoo Instant messenger. But there is no
reply. Hero does not understand it. He knows that the heroine is
supposed to be in night shift. What is she doing in Night shift if not
on Yahoo Instant Messenger? As far as he know that is what people are
supposed to do in night shift.

Hero senses trouble. He runs barefooted on the Information
Superhighway and reaches office just in time to see the villain snatch
the PC out of heroine’s hands and type the command “Format C:\”. When
his fingers get to the “Enter” key, hero delivers the killer punch on
villain’s face. Villain is thrown back. But in the process he manages
to press the Enter key…

The world comes to a standstill. The sky roars. The Rain pours.
Heroine breaks down. Villain is on cloud nine. But our Hero isn’t sad.
He is smiling. Villain cannot understand. Hero then says, “Villain,
You should learn DOS properly. Your grave mistake…”. He shows the
monitor to Villain. The DOS command prompt says “Are you sure?”. It is
waiting for a “Y” to commence the formatting operation. Hero then
simply presses “N”.

Villain cries in frustration “Nooooooo” and charges like a bull. Then
follows a lengthy fight. Heroine meanwhile calls the police and they
come right after hero beats the villain to pulp. Without asking any
questions, the police understand who is hero and who is villain and
take him into custody. Heroine, tears in her eyes, takes her PC,
switches it on and jumps with joy when she finds her favorite Calvin
and Hobbes collection in tact in her C drive.

“You saved my data” she exclaims.
“No, you saved it yourself.” hero says.
“No.. Jesus saves. I don’t” she cries.
“Nothing happened na.” Hero consoles.

“Let us get married” heroine sheds some more tears, “I want someone by
my side to protect the Calvin and Hobbes collection on my PC”.
“I love you Heroine” says the hero.
“I love you Hero” says the heroine.

“So you agree that Outlook 2003 is a bad product”.
“No I don’t. Why not we talk about Lotus nOtes?”

The End.

Understanding Engineers – Take One

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
pessimist, the glass Is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
needs to be.

Understanding Engineers – Take Two

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a
beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in
his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The
engineer took the
frog out of his pocket,smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the
engineer took the
frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a
beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want.
Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer.I
don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking
frog, now that’s cool.”

Understanding Engineers – Take Three

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and
Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers – Take Four

An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion
and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, “I like both.”
” Both? ”
“Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to the lab and get some work done.”

Understanding Engineers – Take Five

Two engineering students were walking across campus
when one said,”Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied,”Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautifulwoman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
“Take what you want.”
“The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good
choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Ever wondered how a HR Manager could write a love letter to his girl friend.

To,

Juliet

Sub: Offer of love!

Ref: Meeting in coffee shop!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am pleased to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1400 hrs, would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

HR Manager

(on behalf of )