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Witty One Liners

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.

Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in
mud.
After a while you realize that while you are getting
dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember
you when he is in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong
answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.

Behind every successful woman, is a man who is
surprised.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know

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The Bum

While walking down the street, a bum asks a man for $2.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies "No."

"Will you gamble it away?"

Once again the bum replies "No."

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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Why computers are female?

The Top Six Reasons Computers are Female

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative
as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not
going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

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Dinner Conversation Gone Wrong

A DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG...\

WIFE:"What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?"

HUSBAND:"Definitely not!"

WIFE:"Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:"Of course I do."

WIFE:"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND:"Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE:"You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND:(makes audible groan).

WIFE:"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:"Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

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Five Secrets for a Perfect Relationship

THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who
cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust
and who
doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who cares you always
and
whom u like to be with when u r alone

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Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one
about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary
man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your
loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose
funeral is it?"

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HairCut

Women's version:

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh, God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut
like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck
with this stuff, I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you
could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute,
I think. I was actually going to do that, except that I was afraid

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How to Make Man and Woman Happy

How to make a woman happy........

It's really not difficult...

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

17. a psychologist

18. a pest exterminator

19. a psychiatrist

20. a healer

20. a good listener

22. an organizer

23. a good father

24. very clean

25. sympathetic

26. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

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Husband And Wives

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
_____________________________________________________

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything
to men...

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