A Moment of Truth

Today I free myself. I had been unable to see why I have been haunted for so many years. But today I somehow realized this as I lay in my bed. It is probably those very few moments of truth which you come across your life. And it surprises me that it had been so simple yet I failed to see it.

As funny as it might sound, my fears have always been like - "What do I do if someone kills my very close friend and to get the court to punish the culprit I would have to bribe the officials? Will I bribe them? Will I compromise on my values?". Yet another one among them - "What if someone kidnaps my child? Will I pay the ransom or will I stick to my values and let the kidnappers harm my son?"

And today I have understood the reason for these fears. All these fears arose from the single fact because I had been bound by my values. And if you read the above questions carefully, you shall realize that what bothered me more than the event (murder, kidnap) was the fear that I might compromise on my values. I had begin to identify myself with my values. I had begin to define myself on those values. All to such an extent that the very thought of comprising on them began to make me feel so empty. Strange but true just as people become dependent on their work, people become dependent on their spouses, people become dependent on their materialistic pleasures I had become dependent on my values. And just as a person is scared of losing his materialistic comfort / work / spouse, the thought of losing my value system simply haunted me. Because I had began to identify and define myself on those values.

And yet for every word I speak, I just seem to keep getting stronger with my value system. The answers to all my questions as of now still remain the same as they were yesterday. If you ask me if corruption is wrong, I'd still say corruption is wrong. If you ask me if u'd let ur child die in the hands of a kidnapper, I'd still say I'd let him get killed rather than paying the ransom. I still have my belief system and values in place. But what is different from yesterday to this moment is that as I say all this I feel free. I am no longer a slave of my belief system. It is what now I begin to follow whole-heartedly. Or as they say in SSY, I have now become a leader rather than a follower in this particular aspect.

I have the freedom to laugh. I have the freedom to cry. I have the freedom to love. I have the freedom to hate. I have the freedom to break my word. I have the freedom to keep up my promises. And yet the thought of being so contradictory doesn't disturb me because today I openly proclaim that everything I feel, everything I promise and my entire value system is only true for that moment. I might be an entirely new person the very next moment. I do not identify myself with anything. And accepting this has certainly taken a lot of load off me. This is perhaps one of the few moments in my life when I feel so free.